I am not ok about voting tomorrow

I am not ok about voting tomorrow.

There. I said it; I am anxious and I am cross.

I am going to vote because I believe in democracy and I want to recognise the labour and pain it took to get us to this point.

But I don't want to vote. I look at the list of people and parties that want my black cross, and none of them deserve it.

We have this amazing freedom, this unbelievable opportunity to do democracy. We get to vote and together we change things and shift things and we can create a government of our own design. We. Us. It's almost overwhelming when you think about.

And yet, our choices don't do justice to that freedom. Our choices don't do justice to us as citizens. We deserve better. We didn't go through all that we did and we don't still wade through all of the challenges of a society in transition to be handed a ballot paper that fills us with despair.

In fact I'm not cross, I'm livid.

I have to make a choice tomorrow, between parties who I believe are all wanting in some way.
And maybe it's unfair and ridiculous and idealistic of me to demand that there be a good option.
Maybe that's politics.
Maybe all we do is pick the best out of a bad lot.
Maybe that's it.

Democracy:
Make a cross next to the face you find least offensive.
Congratulations; you are free.

I don't think it's ok. And I don't think we should be ok about it. I'm torn up. I'm upset. I'm sad and I'm angry and I don't know what to do. I'm not ok with any of the choices I have.

Perhaps I have no right to complain. After all, I didn't make any attempt to support someone's face who isn't on the ballot. Perhaps my civic duty extends beyond being aware and being committed to voting, perhaps my duty extends to finding someone I can believe in, and pushing them as far I can push.

I'm not a politician, and I'd be fairly useless at politics. I'm a dreamer and an optimist and I just want to do something meaningful and beautiful with the vote that I've been given. And I feel like tomorrow I'm going to go to the polls and I'm going to waste my freedom.

I'm going to take my right to vote and I'm going to desecrate it.

That's how I feel.

But I will be there. I will be there because I believe that while now our freedom may be overshadowed by injustice and indifference, it won't always be that way. And perhaps what my freedom requires me to do this election is to be hopeful. To wait and to watch and to stay stretched up and active. Because maybe next time, there'll be a face that I like. And then my freedom must be warm and ready.

But I'll say it again because I need to say it;
I am not ok about voting tomorrow.