How to Play Football

We drove past a group of ten hand-holding pairs of very small children in Hazeldene Avenue. Like us, they were on their way to the Mitchells Plain Grade R Football Festival. Unlike us, they marched in teeny tiny gumboots, holding vuvuzelas. It took them about ten minutes to walk the remaining block, corralled by two teachers who shoved their little bodies away from the street when they veered a little too far to the right of the pavement. Watching the seven minute games of five on five (everyone must get a turn), I learnt some lessons about playing football. I am not entirely convinced of their legitimacy, but since I'm all for learning from community, even the four and five year old members of that community, I'll share them anyway. In no particular order of importance:

Number one: Travel in packs. Do not spread out over the playing area (in this case half of a basketball court). Rather, run as closely to the other players as possible and cling to them when you feel you are falling behind. In most cases, the ball is moving in a circular orbit around the centre of the pitch so it is fine to be the last one in the line because soon the ball will come back to you. 

Number two: When the ball bounces and it goes over your head, which is to be expected since heads are hardly a metre above the ground, wave your hands up to stop the ball like you would bat a balloon. Preferably do this with a number of other players so that your strength is combined and you can hold the ball above your heads together as you run around in circles. 

Number three: Score whenever you can. The ball must enter the miniature goal. It does not really matter if it is your team's or the other team's because the people on the sides of the pitch will cheer regardless and you will be able to do a victory wiggle-dance and your friends in the stands will make a noise on their vuvuzelas. 

Number four: Shaking hands is overrated. It is much better to hug and pat the other players. This can be done at any time of the game and is allowed to interfere with the normal course of play. The ball will still be there when the hugging and patting ceremonies are completed.

Number five: Follow the ball at all costs. It does not matter if the ball has escaped the bounds of the pitch, this does not mean that play must cease. If it goes under a spectator's chair you must feel free to play between the spectator's legs, alternately, you can ask for the the spectator to assist. Momentum must be maintained at all times, so there is no need to stop if the ball has been momentarily lost. Continue running and bouncing around the other players until the ball is found and reenters play. 

Number six: Distractions are welcome. Should a fun song start playing over the PA system, it is fine to abandon the ball and dance (even if you are the only one on the pitch doing so). It is better to do this with a friend so that you can hold hands and swing around and dance together. Do not worry if the rest of the players run the ball into your path; they will play around you and might join in before returning to the ball. 

Number seven: The game does not start still you start playing. If the ref throws the ball down but you are not ready or do not know what to do, just stand around until you are confident. Eventually something will click and you'll realise you must run after the ball, and then you must go go go. But before then, you won't be in anyone's way and are bothering no one, so just relax and stare off into space for inspiration. 

My director and I sat for an hour, transfixed, as one team after the other tumbled down the stands and over each other onto the pitch. They fell, they rolled, they ran with their hands waving in the hair and followed instructions like only a troupe of kiddies can. It was ah-sum.