No complaints

For the how manyeth Saturday I'm sitting in my office writing my thesis. At this point, I've been writing it for so long that it seems habit now, ritualistic. Two laptops have come and gone since it's conception, litres of rooibos have been drunk, whole crates of smarties snacked, rolls and rolls of toilet paper cried and sniffed into. I've received such insufficient and inappropriate support from my academic department and they knew when they accepted my research proposal--a proposal that proposed not a question but an attitude--that I was going to need oodles of hand-holding. If my words lack the anger that should decorate my Christmas tree of complaint, it's because I have no more anger to give them. Now I just feel abandoned. Betrayed even.

Anyway, so here I sit. I wanted to remind myself why I chose to do this research as oppose to something easier, less complicated, less political. I suppose, I want to know whether I have reason to complain. Because yes, I'm sitting here struggling with the thesis component of the research, but I said from the beginning, from that first presentation to the department, that I valued something else. That I wanted something else. That I was sick of how research gets done, that the ethics of it makes me profoundly uncomfortable, that I wanted to be a different kind of researcher. Can I complain now that I've taken this route? I read over a couple of the texts I've received from my "research participants" in the last couple of days.

"Molo Thandeka kuyabanda u know what i was thinking about u 2day, we all mis u Lots of love"

"Molo Thandeka, Oh we mis u my angel u know what, we used to c the face full of love on friday, u left a big gap in our events, Yr poster is still on the wall (wathint'abafazi) Keep Well enjoy (mama)"

"Hi Girl, u'r so special gift from God, I really appreciate that. Thandeka we will c u next tm. Sleep well my Angel, Mama Monica"

No.

I can't complain.

If I'm honest with myself, I know that more than a thesis, this is what I wanted from my masters degree. I wanted to build relationships, to cross the institutionally constructed barriers between "university" and "community", I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to replace an ethic of consent with an ethic of caring. I did all that. My thesis is one smidgen of something so much bigger, and so much more meaningful. I argue in my thesis that "doing well" shouldn't be the grade on an artefact of knowledge, it should reflect the process that brought that artefact into being.

Maybe I'll still write a good thesis. Maybe someone will read it and it will resonate. Maybe.

Who knows.

"Molweni molweni everyone!!" I start my text, "Just wanted to say hi quickly and to send you all my love..."